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12-01-2022, 01:29 PM
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My great grandma couldn't stop giggling at our large family barbecue...
I asked her what she found so funny? "Everyone here is alive, because I got laid." she said. 
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12-01-2022, 01:32 PM
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My family plays a lot of games during family game night, but one game never gets mentioned.
We don't talk about Uno.
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12-01-2022, 01:33 PM
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Who is a penguin's favorite family member?
Aunt Artica
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12-01-2022, 01:34 PM
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Pamela Adlon told this joke on Somebody Feed Phil. Have never heard it before, it caught me off guard, and I loved it
Old man Rosenberg is laying on his death bed in his family’s home. All of a sudden he gets a whiff of the best thing he’s ever smelled. “What is that glorious smell?? I know that smell. Oh lord it’s my daughters famous brisket.” A few minutes go by and his grandson Ezra comes into his room. “Ezra, please go get me a plate of your mothers brisket. I want nothing more in this world than I want a plate of that brisket for my last meal.” “Ok, grandpa.” 10 minutes pass and Ezra comes back empty handed “Ezra my boy. Where is the brisket? I don’t have much time left and that’s the only thing I want.” “Sorry, grandpa. Mom says that that’s for after the funeral.”
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12-01-2022, 01:34 PM
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Growing up as the youngest in my family, I constantly got beat up by the two oldest
mom and dad
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12-01-2022, 01:35 PM
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Two ships crash into each other on a densely foggy day on the ocean.
The two captains (a man and a woman) wind up in the same hospital and they fall in love. They give up their sailing careers to raise a family. When the wife was almost ready to give birth, they decided it would be really sweet if their child chose a career that would be helpful in preventing seafaring tragedies like the one they experienced. On the day their child was born, the husband was too nervous to be in the delivery room. After the child was born, he went to go see his wife and newborn child. The wife is exuberant and tells her husband, "Great news, honey! It's a buoy!"
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12-01-2022, 01:36 PM
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A traditional Thanksgiving joke
A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "How did Thanksgiving go at your place?" the bartender asks. "Oh, it went fine. Had a lot of family over and the wife prepared the meal. I helped out, though. She got a little stressed out and told me she needed some peace and quiet in the kitchen so she could finish cooking," the guy says. "So I removed all the batteries from the smoke detectors."
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12-03-2022, 12:43 PM
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At a funeral, a man asks the family of the deceased if he can say something.
They say yes, so he stands up, clears his throat and says "Optometry". The family looks confused, so he explains, "It means eye care."
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12-03-2022, 12:44 PM
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A family was driving in their car through an Arizona desert
When they ran into a family of skunks. They stop the car and get out so that they could check on the family of skunks to make sure they were alright. They found all of the skunks to be ok except for one little baby skunk. The wife then asked the husband if they could take the baby skunk to the vet to get it the medical attention that it needed. They come up on the California border checkpoint and the wife starts freaking out, “There’s no way they let us take this skunk across the border, what are we gonna do?” The husband thinks for a second and says, “Hey I got it! Take the baby skunk and put it under your dress.” The wife replies, “Well what about the smell?” the husband says, “It’ll be alright, just hold its nose.”
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12-03-2022, 12:45 PM
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A brunette and her blonde sister live in the rural Southwest US, having inherited their family ranch.
The Great Depression hit them hard, and they only have $600 left. Fearing that their ranch would be repossessed, the brunette goes to buy a bull so they can breed their own stock. She tells her sister "I'll come and contact you when I make the purchase", and promptly departs. The bull ends up costing exactly $599, but it's the cheapest one the stockyard has, so the brunette buys it, and goes to the nearest city kilometers away to contact her sister. With only $1 left, the brunette is shocked to find out that the telegraph office charges $0.99 per word. Having no other way to bring the bull back except by dragging it across the harsh landscape, she commits to her decision. "Greetings, I'd like a telegraph sent to my sister to go get our family carriage so we can haul the bull back home." "Okay. Our cost is 99 cents a word." "I have... 1 dollar here." "1 dollar? That's one word, then." "Send her the word 'comfortable'." "Comfortable? H-how does that tell your sister that she needs to get the carriage and come over to haul the bull back to your home?" "She's blonde, and she'll read it slowly... come-for-the-bull."
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