How to cheer up your spouse
A man comes home from a tough day at work and sits down on the couch. His wife comes up to him and asks how his day was.

"It was the worst day this month. Everything went wrong and the boss blamed me for everything, even things that I had nothing to do with".

His wife said "I'm sorry to hear that, let me try to cheer you up".

The husband replied "I don't think that there is anything you can do to make me smile today".

"I think I can make you smile with my right hand".

"Not a chance" was the husband's reply.

"What about if I use both of my hands"?

"Nope, it was a really bad day".

"How about I use both my hands and my mouth"?

"That's not going to do it either".

Finally the wife says "how about I use both of my hands, my mouth and my tongue"?

The husband says "OK, let's see what you've got".

The wife walks up to her husband who is still sitting on the couch, she gets on her knees and sticks her thumbs in her ears, flaps her fingers, sticks out her tongue and goes thppplllt!

The Ultimate Dad Joke said by a Mom
There was a beautiful, young woman named May. May Elizabeth to be precise.

May Elizabeth married a young man named Jack Johnson. She kept her maiden name, and stayed May Elizabeth.

This couple had a girl, and named her after the mother; May Elizabeth Jr. Now, May Elizabeth Jr finds herself a man, and she marries. They too have a little girl, also named May. May Elizabeth III.

May Elizabeth III found herself a husband, and they married. She wanted to keep her maiden name, but her spouse wasn’t too fond of it. May Elizabeth III pleaded, saying that he will understand in a few years. He finally agreed, and she stays May Elizabeth III.

They had a child, and again named May. May Elizabeth IIII. 16 years into the future, and it’s prom night. A nice young man shows up at the door, ultimately asking May Elizabeth IIII to prom. He asks both of her parents, as they stand beside her, if he has permission to take their daughter to prom.

The father is about to say something, but she stops him. He is confused, but notices May Elizabeth III has a smirk on her face. Her face lights up as she says: “May the fourth be with you”

Three women - two from Eastern Europe, and one from America - walk into a bar.
The three of them all sit at the bar.

Suddenly, one of the women, originally from Czechoslovakia, starts ranting about her ex.

"I'm just so fed up!" she cries. "Twenty years ago, my husband left me, and I still can't get over how he used me just for my looks!"

The American woman empathizes with her, saying,

"My ex did the same thing, and now he won't talk to our daughter, either!"

At this point the two women are getting quite hot-headed. The third, from Slovenia, is still married but is unhappy with her spouse.

She starts talking, but then the bartender, worried the situation will keep escalating, stops her and rolls his eyes at the three women, saying,

"Look, ladies. I get what you're saying, but you're preaching to the choir. We all hate Trump."

I've got a story...
So I'm real good friends with this guy named Juan Ted. Now, Juan is a pretty amazing guy. He can steal ANYTHING he wants to. Literally anything. It could be the shirt off your back, the wallet in your pocket, or I'm even sure he'd find a way to steal your house (And your spouse too). So anyway, one day Juan and I are sitting around watching TV, and they announced that the hope diamond will not be on display anymore and is now getting moved to an undisclosed location. So as we hear this, Juan says "I'm gonna steal it". Now I know how good Juan is at this kind of stuff, so I just tell him good luck and he goes on his way. Eventually he narrows his search down to a small cave in South Africa. When Juan gets there, he doesn't see any guards or anything outside the cave, so he just walks in assuming he was wrong about where the diamond was. He wanders around for a while until he sees a long lit hallway with the hope diamond at the end of it. Confident in his abilities, he strolls over to the diamond and picks it up before realizing its a trap! Suddenly, red lights flashed, armed men came running out, sirens went off. You could hear one of the men say under his breath "We finally caught Juan Ted." But Juan, being the best thief in the world, said "Not quite. On the count of three, I will disappear." As the men looked around confused, Juan began to count. "Uno. Dos." And he disappeared without a tres.

What do Chinese do when they have an election?
They go to their spouse.

Sarah, John and Dan are training to be FBI agents.
They eventually reach the final test in the FBI's training program.

The test was this: One person was given a gun and sent inside a room; the door shut behind them and that person's spouse would be tied to a chair inside the room. The person was then told to kill their spouse.

John goes first and fails the test, as he cannot bear the thought of killing his wife. Dan goes next and fails, for the same reasons as John.

It is now Sarah's turn and she heads inside the room. The door shuts. Gunfire is heard, followed by shouts of frustration. Banging on the walls ensues. A few minutes later, Sarah emerges from the room, wipes the sweat from her forehead, and says:

'Gun was loaded with blanks. I found another way.'

A man goes to meet his girlfriend's family (long)
A man goes to meet his fiancee's family. At the house is the fiancee, her parents, and her super attractive younger sister. After dinner, the fiancee goes to her room to unpack, the mother is in the kitchen doing dishes, and the father is in his mancave, leaving the man and his girlfriend's sister alone in the living room.

After a few minutes of uncomfortable silence, the sister says to the man "I know you want me. I'm so much hotter and cuter than my sister. I'll let you take me into the closet for seven minutes in Heaven. No one will have to know."

The man quickly gets up from his seat and sprints towards the front door. On the other side of the door is the fiancee, the mother and the father, all with big smiles on their faces. The father says "My boy, this was a secret test to prove you would be a faithful husband to my daughter. You had a chance to sneak some time with my younger daughter, and you chose to walk out rather than cheat on your fiancee. I would be proud to call you my son-in-law."

Moral of the story: always keep the condoms in your glove compartment.

You know what they say about family - blood is thicker than water.
But maple syrup is thicker than blood, so technically pancakes are more important than family.

The Smith family is having a reunion.
The matriarch is a 110 year old woman who is confined to a wheelchair and cannot speak, so she uses a pen and notepad to communicate.

While watching her great grandchildren play, she begins to leeeaaan to the left. So cousin Joe lifts her back up and puts a pillow on her left side. Later she begins to leeeaaan to the right, so cousin John lifts her back up and puts a pillow on her right side.

Later, Uncle Bob approaches and asks if she's enjoying the family reunion. She takes out her notepad and slowly writes, "They won't let me fart"

The whole family are having breakfast together when…
The young Grandson looks over at his 18 year old newlywed wife and asks her, "Will you pass the honey, honey?" She giggles and passes the honey.


His father, not to be outdone, looks over to his beautiful wife and asks, "Will you pass the sugar, sugar?" She laughs, "Your still a charmer," and passes the sugar.


The Grandfather looks up, makes eye contact with his wife of 55 years and asks, "Will you pass the tea... bag?"