The Joke Thread......
 

Satan appears to a lawyer...
...and says to him, "I offer you this deal. Every year for the next five years, you will have 5,000 billable hours at three times your current rate. You will win every case, and some of your cases will become landmarks in the law books. After the five years, your soul, as well as the souls of your wife, your children, their spouses, and your grandchildren will all be forfeit to me, and you will all be damned for eternity."

The lawyer thought for a few seconds and then asked, "So, what's the catch"

Mr. Waetherman's tips to combating boredom.
Mr. and Mrs. Weatherman are retired. Mrs. Weatherman insists that Mr. Weatherman go with her to Wal-Mart. He gets bored with all the shopping. He prefers to get in and get out, but Mrs. Weatherman loves to browse. Here's a letter sent to her from the store:


Dear Mrs. Weatherman, Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and may ban both of you from our stores. We have documented all incidents on our video surveillance equipment. All complaints against Mr. Weatherman are listed below.


Things Mr. Denny Weatherman has done while his spouse was shopping in Wal-Mart:


1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.


2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.


3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the restrooms.


4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, 'Code 3' in housewares ... and watched what happened.


5. Aug 4: Went to the Service Desk and asked to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.


6. Sept 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.


7. Sept 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department.


8. Sept 23: When a clerk asks if they can help him, he begins to cry and asks, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"


9. Oct 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, and picked his nose.


10. Nov 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, asked the clerk if he knows where to find the antidepressants.


11. Dec 3: Darted around the store suspiciously loudly humming the *Mission: Impossible* theme.


12. Dec 6: In the auto department, practiced his "Madonna look" using different size funnels.


13. Dec 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browse through, yelled "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"


14. Dec 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumes the fetal position and screams "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!!"


And last, but not least ...


15. Dec 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!

Three men are lost in the desert with no supplies, when the devil appears before them.
The devil looks at their skin and bones, their cracked lips, and says, “I see you’re in a bit of a rough spot. I can help you - let’s play a little game. You each get one chance to name a task I can’t do. If you succeed, I’ll save you.”

The first man immediately replies, “I bet you can’t build a highway that goes around the entire world!”
The devil snaps his fingers, and instantly, a road appears that circles the globe. The first man expires on the spot from a mixture of thirst and despair.

The second man, looking at the corpse of his friend, thinks for a minute. He thinks of his job, his family, his friends, and the life he has to return to.

After spending some time drawing figures in the sand and doing some calculations, he hesitantly says, “There’s no possible way you can build a ladder that reaches space.” But the devil simply smirks and taps his pitchfork on the ground, and at once, a ladder to the stars appears. The second man perishes where he stands, muttering the name of his wife and children until his last breath.

The third and final man calmly looks at the bodies of his companions and sits down in the sand to brainstorm. He thinks of the time his spouse first kissed him, the moment he first saw his son, and the last words of his late father telling him how proud he was of him.

Having made up his mind, he quietly tells the devil, “First make a chair.” Puzzled, the devil creates a simple wooden chair.

“Next, poke 20 holes in it about an inch in diameter.” The devil follows these instructions. The man suddenly pulls down his pants, sits on the chair, and passes a loud fart.

As the devil looks on in amazement, the man stands up and asks “Which hole did I fart through?”

So the devil points to the hole three rows down, in the second column. “That one.” And sure enough, it is.

But the man smiles and bends over, pointing to his rear, and replies, “Wrong - I farted through this hole.”

CIA Entrance Test
3 finalists are in the running for an open CIA agent position. They're in a room awaiting their final evaluation to determine which one of them will get the job.

The first applicant is called into a separate room. There is a gun there and their spouse, seated on a chair. They are told to shoot their spouse, to see how good they are at following orders. After several minutes, the applicant leaves, in tears. "I can't do it," they say. "I'm sorry," says the CIA examiner. "I guess you don't have what it takes to be in the CIA."

The next applicant is called into the room, and after being given the same scenario, he too leaves the room, in tears. "I just can't shoot my wife," he says. "I love her too much." "We understand," says the examiner, "but you don't have what it takes."

Finally the third applicant is ushered into the room. Almost immediately, there is a sound of rapid gunfire. After a few moments, there is a loud calamity followed by banging and things breaking. The applicant finally emerges from the room, disheveled. "What happened?!" exclaimed the examiner. The man replies, "you guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks - I had to beat my wife ro death with the chair!"

You Might Be An Extreme Redneck If...
You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of HER kids.

The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it.

You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

You think a woman who is out of your league bowls on a different night.

You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.

Someone in your family died right after saying, 'Hey, guys, watch this.'

You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.

Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.

Your junior prom offered day care.

You think the last words of the Star-Spangled Banner are 'Gentlemen, start your engines.

You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.

The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.

You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.

One of your kids was born on a pool table.

You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.

You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.

You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk

Three men meet a weird car salesman.
Three men, childhood friends, are looking to get new cars. They travel to an odd-looking dealership. They approach the salesman.

Salesman: Greetings, gentlemen. How may I help you today?

The respond that they want new cars.

Salesman: Very well. Answer me one question, and I shall give you a vehicle that's fitting for you.

Confused, but intrigued, the men agree. The salesman then asks the three of them the following question:

"Have you ever cheated on your spouse?"

The first man replies that he has never cheated. The salesman hands him the keys to a Ferrari.

The second man replies that he has only been with one other woman, and only one time. The salesman hands him the keys to an SUV.

The third man replies that he is currently cheating on his wife with his secretary. He is given the keys to a minivan.

The first man can be heard crying. The other two men ask why, when he got the best vehicle.

First Man: My wife was here last week, and she returned with a pair of roller skates.

A news station was interviewing an 80-year old woman who had just gotten married for the 4th time in her life.
The interviewer was asking her questions about her life, about how it felt to be marrying again at 80, and about her spouse.

The lady mentions hat her new husband is a funeral director.

Then the reporter asks her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little bit about her first three husbands.

She pauses for a few moments, needing some time to reflect on all of those years. After a short time, she shares some details about her first husbands.

The first, she says, was a banker, whom she married in her 20s. In her 40s, she married a circus ringmaster. In her 60s, she married a preacher, and now, in her 80s, she's marrying a funeral director.

The reporter asks her why, if there was any reason, did she choose to marry those specific people.

She responds, "Well, I married one for the money, two for the show. Three to get ready, and four to go!"

In love and war.
A couple is going through a bitter divorce. The mans prize possession: baseball collectibles valued at $10000. Everyone knows, his spouse is entitled to half, in lieu of splitting his prized collection, he offers 8k cash. Out of spite she denies the offer and insists the collection be split. She too had a collection of shoes and has over 1000 pairs with roughly the same value. Fair being fair he insists on taking half.
She gets half of his Yankees, Red Sox, and Cubs collectibles. He gets all the lefts.

My parents got seperated when i was 9 and I hated going to my dads on weekends.
I tried telling my mom that you don't split custody when your spouse dies but she just kept dropping me off at the cemetery.

3 Men die and go to heaven...
3 men die and go to heaven and when they arrive at the gates St. Peter says to them, "Welcome to the road to heaven. You must travel down this road behind me to reach Heaven, however, the medium of transportation is dependent on how faithful you were to your spouse during your lifetime."
First man steps up and St. Peter says, "Ok Shawn it says here you have been completely faithful. As promised here is your vehicle a Ferrari f430."
Shawn grabs the keys and takes off down the road.
The second man steps forward.
"Ok James you too have been faithful here are the keys to your McClaren F1."
James snatches the key and disappears promptly.
The third man slowly shuffles forward...
"Kevin it saddens me to see that you have committed adultery twice, you must drive this 1989 Accord with only spare tires."
He too leaves.
When Kevin arrives at heaven he sees James and Shawn but Shawn is clearly angry, Kevin asks what's the matter to which Shawn replies, "I JUST PASSED MY WIFE ON A DAMN SKATEBOARD!"

How to cheer up your spouse
A man comes home from a tough day at work and sits down on the couch. His wife comes up to him and asks how his day was.

"It was the worst day this month. Everything went wrong and the boss blamed me for everything, even things that I had nothing to do with".

His wife said "I'm sorry to hear that, let me try to cheer you up".

The husband replied "I don't think that there is anything you can do to make me smile today".

"I think I can make you smile with my right hand".

"Not a chance" was the husband's reply.

"What about if I use both of my hands"?

"Nope, it was a really bad day".

"How about I use both my hands and my mouth"?

"That's not going to do it either".

Finally the wife says "how about I use both of my hands, my mouth and my tongue"?

The husband says "OK, let's see what you've got".

The wife walks up to her husband who is still sitting on the couch, she gets on her knees and sticks her thumbs in her ears, flaps her fingers, sticks out her tongue and goes thppplllt!

The Ultimate Dad Joke said by a Mom
There was a beautiful, young woman named May. May Elizabeth to be precise.

May Elizabeth married a young man named Jack Johnson. She kept her maiden name, and stayed May Elizabeth.

This couple had a girl, and named her after the mother; May Elizabeth Jr. Now, May Elizabeth Jr finds herself a man, and she marries. They too have a little girl, also named May. May Elizabeth III.

May Elizabeth III found herself a husband, and they married. She wanted to keep her maiden name, but her spouse wasn’t too fond of it. May Elizabeth III pleaded, saying that he will understand in a few years. He finally agreed, and she stays May Elizabeth III.

They had a child, and again named May. May Elizabeth IIII. 16 years into the future, and it’s prom night. A nice young man shows up at the door, ultimately asking May Elizabeth IIII to prom. He asks both of her parents, as they stand beside her, if he has permission to take their daughter to prom.

The father is about to say something, but she stops him. He is confused, but notices May Elizabeth III has a smirk on her face. Her face lights up as she says: “May the fourth be with you”

Three women - two from Eastern Europe, and one from America - walk into a bar.
The three of them all sit at the bar.

Suddenly, one of the women, originally from Czechoslovakia, starts ranting about her ex.

"I'm just so fed up!" she cries. "Twenty years ago, my husband left me, and I still can't get over how he used me just for my looks!"

The American woman empathizes with her, saying,

"My ex did the same thing, and now he won't talk to our daughter, either!"

At this point the two women are getting quite hot-headed. The third, from Slovenia, is still married but is unhappy with her spouse.

She starts talking, but then the bartender, worried the situation will keep escalating, stops her and rolls his eyes at the three women, saying,

"Look, ladies. I get what you're saying, but you're preaching to the choir. We all hate Trump."

I've got a story...
So I'm real good friends with this guy named Juan Ted. Now, Juan is a pretty amazing guy. He can steal ANYTHING he wants to. Literally anything. It could be the shirt off your back, the wallet in your pocket, or I'm even sure he'd find a way to steal your house (And your spouse too). So anyway, one day Juan and I are sitting around watching TV, and they announced that the hope diamond will not be on display anymore and is now getting moved to an undisclosed location. So as we hear this, Juan says "I'm gonna steal it". Now I know how good Juan is at this kind of stuff, so I just tell him good luck and he goes on his way. Eventually he narrows his search down to a small cave in South Africa. When Juan gets there, he doesn't see any guards or anything outside the cave, so he just walks in assuming he was wrong about where the diamond was. He wanders around for a while until he sees a long lit hallway with the hope diamond at the end of it. Confident in his abilities, he strolls over to the diamond and picks it up before realizing its a trap! Suddenly, red lights flashed, armed men came running out, sirens went off. You could hear one of the men say under his breath "We finally caught Juan Ted." But Juan, being the best thief in the world, said "Not quite. On the count of three, I will disappear." As the men looked around confused, Juan began to count. "Uno. Dos." And he disappeared without a tres.

What do Chinese do when they have an election?
They go to their spouse.

Sarah, John and Dan are training to be FBI agents.
They eventually reach the final test in the FBI's training program.

The test was this: One person was given a gun and sent inside a room; the door shut behind them and that person's spouse would be tied to a chair inside the room. The person was then told to kill their spouse.

John goes first and fails the test, as he cannot bear the thought of killing his wife. Dan goes next and fails, for the same reasons as John.

It is now Sarah's turn and she heads inside the room. The door shuts. Gunfire is heard, followed by shouts of frustration. Banging on the walls ensues. A few minutes later, Sarah emerges from the room, wipes the sweat from her forehead, and says:

'Gun was loaded with blanks. I found another way.'

A man goes to meet his girlfriend's family (long)
A man goes to meet his fiancee's family. At the house is the fiancee, her parents, and her super attractive younger sister. After dinner, the fiancee goes to her room to unpack, the mother is in the kitchen doing dishes, and the father is in his mancave, leaving the man and his girlfriend's sister alone in the living room.

After a few minutes of uncomfortable silence, the sister says to the man "I know you want me. I'm so much hotter and cuter than my sister. I'll let you take me into the closet for seven minutes in Heaven. No one will have to know."

The man quickly gets up from his seat and sprints towards the front door. On the other side of the door is the fiancee, the mother and the father, all with big smiles on their faces. The father says "My boy, this was a secret test to prove you would be a faithful husband to my daughter. You had a chance to sneak some time with my younger daughter, and you chose to walk out rather than cheat on your fiancee. I would be proud to call you my son-in-law."

Moral of the story: always keep the condoms in your glove compartment.

You know what they say about family - blood is thicker than water.
But maple syrup is thicker than blood, so technically pancakes are more important than family.

The Smith family is having a reunion.
The matriarch is a 110 year old woman who is confined to a wheelchair and cannot speak, so she uses a pen and notepad to communicate.

While watching her great grandchildren play, she begins to leeeaaan to the left. So cousin Joe lifts her back up and puts a pillow on her left side. Later she begins to leeeaaan to the right, so cousin John lifts her back up and puts a pillow on her right side.

Later, Uncle Bob approaches and asks if she's enjoying the family reunion. She takes out her notepad and slowly writes, "They won't let me fart"

The whole family are having breakfast together when…
The young Grandson looks over at his 18 year old newlywed wife and asks her, "Will you pass the honey, honey?" She giggles and passes the honey.


His father, not to be outdone, looks over to his beautiful wife and asks, "Will you pass the sugar, sugar?" She laughs, "Your still a charmer," and passes the sugar.


The Grandfather looks up, makes eye contact with his wife of 55 years and asks, "Will you pass the tea... bag?"

A family is visiting a museum in the US
Soon, they see two skeletons and the father asks the museum guide:

\- Whose skeleton is this?

\- This is the George Washington's skeleton.

\- Oh, and that smaller skeleton?

\- That's George Washington's skeleton as a child.

I thought our family was a Dad-tatership…
My wife now informs me it is in fact a Mom-archy.

As I was introducing my family to our new neighbors, the guy exclaimed, “Wow! Your wife and daughter look like twins!” I chuckled and said...
“Well, they *were* separated at birth!"

God created the dog and said: "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past.
For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."
The dog said: "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"
So God agreed.
God created the monkey and said: "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."
The monkey said: "Tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?"
And God agreed.
God created the cow and said: "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."
The cow said: "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"
And God agreed again.
God created man and said: "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."
But man said: "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"
"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."
So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
Life has now been explained to you.

As a Family we could‘nt decide whether to have Grandma buried or cremated
so we let her live.

There lived a family of the Jacksons...(long)
The parents ran a nail store, and their son was a marketologist. Once the father said: "We're going on vacation, look after the store while we're gone". Son says: "Dad, I'm a marketologist, how can I sell your nails? I know nothing about them!" Dad replies: "I know you can handle it. Maybe make an ad for our store or something". 5 days pass by, the father calls up the son to check up on him, and the son announced that the storages are empty, and they have to buy more. Dad asks in disbelief: "What on Earth did you do?" Son says: "I just made an ad, like you told me to. You can look at it if you want". Dad looks at the ad the son sent him and sees a picture of Jesus on the cross, and below it says: "Jackson's nails, holding on for more than 2000 years". Dad yells: "You idiot! We're Orthodox, take it down immediately!" The son did what he was told, and another week passes by. Dad calls again, and finds out that the storages are empty again. He asks angrily: "What the hell did you make now?" Son replies: "You told me to take down the last ad so I did and made a new one, look". Dad looks at the new ad. It is now a picture of the cross without Jesus on it. Below it says: "If only they had Jackson's nails..."

A man is shopping for a dog for his family…
He visits a dog farm just outside of town, and meets with the farmer. The farmer is very helpful, and shows the man his dog cages, where he breeds all different types of dogs.

“Here’s the Dalmatians, they’re $200 each. Here’s the Bassett Hounds, they’re $100 each,” says the farmer. As the farmer is speaking, the man notices an old dog sitting by himself in a cage.

“Why is that dog all by himself?”, he asks the farmer.

“Oh, him? That’s my talking dog. Just ignore him,” replies the farmer.

“I don’t believe this. A talking dog? Can I go talk to him?” asks the man.

After getting permission from the farmer, the man approaches the dog.

“Do you really talk?”

The dog looks up slowly to the man and replies, “of course I talk. I’m 175 years old.”

The man is astonished. “Wow! 175 years old? Really?”

“Yep,” says the dog, “175 years old. I’m a veteran dog. I marched with General Sherman during the Civil War. I fought at Somme in World War I, and I helped liberate France in World War II. I was wounded three different times, and I’ve got 95 children with 40 different women. I hate it here, but I’m an old dog so nobody wants to adopt me.”

“Unbelievable,” says the man, “thank you for your service. I will give you a good home and a family full of love.”

Turning to the farmer, the man asks “how much for the talking dog?”

“He’s yours for $5,” replies the farmer.

“Just $5?”, asks the man.

“Yes, $5.”

“How could a talking dog be so cheap?”, the man asks, pulling a $5 bill out of his wallet.

“Well,” sighs the farmer, “he talks alright, but you can’t believe a goddamn word that comes out of that dog’s mouth.”

A telemarketer calls a family’s home phone
A little girl picks up and whispers “hello?”

TM- “Oh hello little girl, are your mommy or daddy home?”

LG- (chuckles, then whispers) “yes they both are, but they’re busy and can’t talk right now.”

TM- “Oh, okay… is there another adult I can speak with?”

LG- (whispers) yea, there’s a cop and two firemen, but they’re also busy right now. (laughs)

TM- “Oh really?! Well what are they all doing?”

LG- (laughs) “They’re looking for me!”

What do people from Alabama have instead of a family tree?
The circle of life!

The Smiths had no children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family....
On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr.Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon."
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning madam. You don't know me but I've come to...."
"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.

"Really..?" the photographer asked. "Well, good..! I've made a specialty of babies."

"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat. Just where do we start..?" asked Mrs. Smith, blushing.

"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out."

"Bathtub, living room floor..? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me."

"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."

"I hope we can get this over with quickly," gasped Mrs. Smith.

"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure."

"Don't I know!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London."

"Oh my God..!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.

"And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with." The photographer handed Mrs. Smith the picture.

"She was difficult ..?" asked Mrs. Smith.

"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look."

"Four and five deep..?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.

"Yes", the photographer said. "And for more than three hours too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean they actually chewed on your, eh......equipment?"

"That's right. Well madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work."

"Tripod..??", Mrs. Smith looked extremely worried now.

"Oh Good God Yes..! I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on.

It's much too big for me to hold while I'm getting ready for action.

Madam..? Madam..?..... Good Lord, she's fainted..!

The problem isn’t that diabetes runs in the family.
The problem is no one runs in the family

A Russian man asks his friend if he should get married and have a family, or join the army
The friend says:

"Vanya, if you get married, then all hope is lost.

"Now, if you join the army, you have two options: either you live or you die. If you live, then all hope is lost.

"If you die, you have two options: either you die on the Ukrainian side of the border or the Russian side of the border. If you die on the Ukrainian side of the border, then all hope is lost

"If you die on the Russian side of the border, you have two options: either you're buried in the battlefield, or under a tree. If you're buried in the battlefield, then all hope is lost.

"If you're buried under a tree, you have two options: either the tree lives or it gets chopped. If the tree lives, then all hope is lost.

"If the tree is chopped, you have two options: you will be made into pencils or paper. If they make pencils out of you, then all hope is lost.

"If they make paper out of you, you have two options: you will become writing paper or toilet paper. If you become writing paper, then all hope is lost.

"If you become toilet paper, you have two options: you will be placed in the men's room or the women's room. If you're placed in the men's room, then all hope is lost.

"If you're placed in the women's room, you have two options: you're going to be used on the behind side or the front side. If you're used on the behind side, then all hope is lost."

"And what if I get used on the front side?"

"Well, Vanya, that's basically the same as getting married."

There are a pair of twins called Ving and Ling. Ving decided to go to the town hall to change his name. Ling decided to give him a lift there. When they arrived Ling reminded Ving that he would disgrace their family if he changed his name to Lee.
Ving takes a form and quickly fills it out to change his name. He sends off the form, but immediately starts to regret it. He is told that to revoke his form he must pay a small fee. Ling takes out her purse and is about to hand over the money when suddenly…
A man, their father, bursts through the door and embraces Ving and tells them, “Don’t stop, be Lee, Ving”, “Hold on to that fee, ling.”

Two ships crash into each other on a densely foggy day on the ocean.
The two captains (a man and a woman) wind up in the same hospital and they fall in love. They give up their sailing careers to raise a family.

When the wife was almost ready to give birth, they decided it would be really sweet if their child chose a career that would be helpful in preventing seafaring tragedies like the one they experienced.

On the day their child was born, the husband was too nervous to be in the delivery room. After the child was born, he went to go see his wife and newborn child.

The wife is exuberant and tells her husband, "Great news, honey! It's a buoy!"

My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives...
I replied, "No, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine."

This past year has been a sad one. It would have been my Mother's 60th Birthday, which we would have celebrated with the whole family. But thanks to drugs, alcohol, and a whole lot of bad decisions...
We all forgot to show up.

My family says I look like a hobbit in all my pictures.
What can I say? I'm very frodogenic.

Every morning at breakfast for the past year 6 months, I announce loudly to my family that I’m going for a jog, and then I don’t.
It’s my longest running joke of the year.

I told my doctor I wanted to get a vasectomy. He said “well now, that’s a big decision. Have you talked about this with your family?”
I said “yeah, and they’re in favor 14-3.”

An old Irish man from a traditionally catholic family is lying on his deathbed
All his family is gathered around them, when he tells them: „I have one last wish: I want to become a protestant.“
His family members are shocked, since they are all deeply catholic, but the man insists and it’s his last wish, so they get a protestant pastor, and the man became a protestant, the pastor cheering with joy, that someone from that family decided to become protestant

After the pastor left, the family members ask the old man: „But why? Why did you become protestant?“

With his last breath, the man replies: „I thought it would be better one of them dies!“