The Joke Thread......

[01dragonslayer]

CIA Entrance Test
3 finalists are in the running for an open CIA agent position. They're in a room awaiting their final evaluation to determine which one of them will get the job.

The first applicant is called into a separate room. There is a gun there and their spouse, seated on a chair. They are told to shoot their spouse, to see how good they are at following orders. After several minutes, the applicant leaves, in tears. "I can't do it," they say. "I'm sorry," says the CIA examiner. "I guess you don't have what it takes to be in the CIA."

The next applicant is called into the room, and after being given the same scenario, he too leaves the room, in tears. "I just can't shoot my wife," he says. "I love her too much." "We understand," says the examiner, "but you don't have what it takes."

Finally the third applicant is ushered into the room. Almost immediately, there is a sound of rapid gunfire. After a few moments, there is a loud calamity followed by banging and things breaking. The applicant finally emerges from the room, disheveled. "What happened?!" exclaimed the examiner. The man replies, "you guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks - I had to beat my wife ro death with the chair!"

[01dragonslayer]

You Might Be An Extreme Redneck If...
You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of HER kids.

The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it.

You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

You think a woman who is out of your league bowls on a different night.

You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.

Someone in your family died right after saying, 'Hey, guys, watch this.'

You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.

Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.

Your junior prom offered day care.

You think the last words of the Star-Spangled Banner are 'Gentlemen, start your engines.

You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.

The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.

You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.

One of your kids was born on a pool table.

You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.

You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.

You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk

[01dragonslayer]

Three men meet a weird car salesman.
Three men, childhood friends, are looking to get new cars. They travel to an odd-looking dealership. They approach the salesman.

Salesman: Greetings, gentlemen. How may I help you today?

The respond that they want new cars.

Salesman: Very well. Answer me one question, and I shall give you a vehicle that's fitting for you.

Confused, but intrigued, the men agree. The salesman then asks the three of them the following question:

"Have you ever cheated on your spouse?"

The first man replies that he has never cheated. The salesman hands him the keys to a Ferrari.

The second man replies that he has only been with one other woman, and only one time. The salesman hands him the keys to an SUV.

The third man replies that he is currently cheating on his wife with his secretary. He is given the keys to a minivan.

The first man can be heard crying. The other two men ask why, when he got the best vehicle.

First Man: My wife was here last week, and she returned with a pair of roller skates.

[01dragonslayer]

A news station was interviewing an 80-year old woman who had just gotten married for the 4th time in her life.
The interviewer was asking her questions about her life, about how it felt to be marrying again at 80, and about her spouse.

The lady mentions hat her new husband is a funeral director.

Then the reporter asks her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little bit about her first three husbands.

She pauses for a few moments, needing some time to reflect on all of those years. After a short time, she shares some details about her first husbands.

The first, she says, was a banker, whom she married in her 20s. In her 40s, she married a circus ringmaster. In her 60s, she married a preacher, and now, in her 80s, she's marrying a funeral director.

The reporter asks her why, if there was any reason, did she choose to marry those specific people.

She responds, "Well, I married one for the money, two for the show. Three to get ready, and four to go!"

[01dragonslayer]

In love and war.
A couple is going through a bitter divorce. The mans prize possession: baseball collectibles valued at $10000. Everyone knows, his spouse is entitled to half, in lieu of splitting his prized collection, he offers 8k cash. Out of spite she denies the offer and insists the collection be split. She too had a collection of shoes and has over 1000 pairs with roughly the same value. Fair being fair he insists on taking half.
She gets half of his Yankees, Red Sox, and Cubs collectibles. He gets all the lefts.

[01dragonslayer]

My parents got seperated when i was 9 and I hated going to my dads on weekends.
I tried telling my mom that you don't split custody when your spouse dies but she just kept dropping me off at the cemetery.

[01dragonslayer]

3 Men die and go to heaven...
3 men die and go to heaven and when they arrive at the gates St. Peter says to them, "Welcome to the road to heaven. You must travel down this road behind me to reach Heaven, however, the medium of transportation is dependent on how faithful you were to your spouse during your lifetime."
First man steps up and St. Peter says, "Ok Shawn it says here you have been completely faithful. As promised here is your vehicle a Ferrari f430."
Shawn grabs the keys and takes off down the road.
The second man steps forward.
"Ok James you too have been faithful here are the keys to your McClaren F1."
James snatches the key and disappears promptly.
The third man slowly shuffles forward...
"Kevin it saddens me to see that you have committed adultery twice, you must drive this 1989 Accord with only spare tires."
He too leaves.
When Kevin arrives at heaven he sees James and Shawn but Shawn is clearly angry, Kevin asks what's the matter to which Shawn replies, "I JUST PASSED MY WIFE ON A DAMN SKATEBOARD!"