The Joke Thread......

[01dragonslayer]

Three men meet a weird car salesman.
Three men, childhood friends, are looking to get new cars. They travel to an odd-looking dealership. They approach the salesman.

Salesman: Greetings, gentlemen. How may I help you today?

The respond that they want new cars.

Salesman: Very well. Answer me one question, and I shall give you a vehicle that's fitting for you.

Confused, but intrigued, the men agree. The salesman then asks the three of them the following question:

"Have you ever cheated on your spouse?"

The first man replies that he has never cheated. The salesman hands him the keys to a Ferrari.

The second man replies that he has only been with one other woman, and only one time. The salesman hands him the keys to an SUV.

The third man replies that he is currently cheating on his wife with his secretary. He is given the keys to a minivan.

The first man can be heard crying. The other two men ask why, when he got the best vehicle.

First Man: My wife was here last week, and she returned with a pair of roller skates.

[01dragonslayer]

A news station was interviewing an 80-year old woman who had just gotten married for the 4th time in her life.
The interviewer was asking her questions about her life, about how it felt to be marrying again at 80, and about her spouse.

The lady mentions hat her new husband is a funeral director.

Then the reporter asks her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little bit about her first three husbands.

She pauses for a few moments, needing some time to reflect on all of those years. After a short time, she shares some details about her first husbands.

The first, she says, was a banker, whom she married in her 20s. In her 40s, she married a circus ringmaster. In her 60s, she married a preacher, and now, in her 80s, she's marrying a funeral director.

The reporter asks her why, if there was any reason, did she choose to marry those specific people.

She responds, "Well, I married one for the money, two for the show. Three to get ready, and four to go!"

[01dragonslayer]

In love and war.
A couple is going through a bitter divorce. The mans prize possession: baseball collectibles valued at $10000. Everyone knows, his spouse is entitled to half, in lieu of splitting his prized collection, he offers 8k cash. Out of spite she denies the offer and insists the collection be split. She too had a collection of shoes and has over 1000 pairs with roughly the same value. Fair being fair he insists on taking half.
She gets half of his Yankees, Red Sox, and Cubs collectibles. He gets all the lefts.

[01dragonslayer]

My parents got seperated when i was 9 and I hated going to my dads on weekends.
I tried telling my mom that you don't split custody when your spouse dies but she just kept dropping me off at the cemetery.

[01dragonslayer]

3 Men die and go to heaven...
3 men die and go to heaven and when they arrive at the gates St. Peter says to them, "Welcome to the road to heaven. You must travel down this road behind me to reach Heaven, however, the medium of transportation is dependent on how faithful you were to your spouse during your lifetime."
First man steps up and St. Peter says, "Ok Shawn it says here you have been completely faithful. As promised here is your vehicle a Ferrari f430."
Shawn grabs the keys and takes off down the road.
The second man steps forward.
"Ok James you too have been faithful here are the keys to your McClaren F1."
James snatches the key and disappears promptly.
The third man slowly shuffles forward...
"Kevin it saddens me to see that you have committed adultery twice, you must drive this 1989 Accord with only spare tires."
He too leaves.
When Kevin arrives at heaven he sees James and Shawn but Shawn is clearly angry, Kevin asks what's the matter to which Shawn replies, "I JUST PASSED MY WIFE ON A DAMN SKATEBOARD!"

[01dragonslayer]

How to cheer up your spouse
A man comes home from a tough day at work and sits down on the couch. His wife comes up to him and asks how his day was.

"It was the worst day this month. Everything went wrong and the boss blamed me for everything, even things that I had nothing to do with".

His wife said "I'm sorry to hear that, let me try to cheer you up".

The husband replied "I don't think that there is anything you can do to make me smile today".

"I think I can make you smile with my right hand".

"Not a chance" was the husband's reply.

"What about if I use both of my hands"?

"Nope, it was a really bad day".

"How about I use both my hands and my mouth"?

"That's not going to do it either".

Finally the wife says "how about I use both of my hands, my mouth and my tongue"?

The husband says "OK, let's see what you've got".

The wife walks up to her husband who is still sitting on the couch, she gets on her knees and sticks her thumbs in her ears, flaps her fingers, sticks out her tongue and goes thppplllt!

[01dragonslayer]

The Ultimate Dad Joke said by a Mom
There was a beautiful, young woman named May. May Elizabeth to be precise.

May Elizabeth married a young man named Jack Johnson. She kept her maiden name, and stayed May Elizabeth.

This couple had a girl, and named her after the mother; May Elizabeth Jr. Now, May Elizabeth Jr finds herself a man, and she marries. They too have a little girl, also named May. May Elizabeth III.

May Elizabeth III found herself a husband, and they married. She wanted to keep her maiden name, but her spouse wasn’t too fond of it. May Elizabeth III pleaded, saying that he will understand in a few years. He finally agreed, and she stays May Elizabeth III.

They had a child, and again named May. May Elizabeth IIII. 16 years into the future, and it’s prom night. A nice young man shows up at the door, ultimately asking May Elizabeth IIII to prom. He asks both of her parents, as they stand beside her, if he has permission to take their daughter to prom.

The father is about to say something, but she stops him. He is confused, but notices May Elizabeth III has a smirk on her face. Her face lights up as she says: “May the fourth be with you”